Looking for a Rainbow: You Win Some; You Lose Some

So this month is just crazy (and I am not just talking about the hormones!). Another baby born to a friend, another pregnancy announced, I was asked to be a Godmother and ecstatically agreed, and I even made a trip to Babies R Us! Tomorrow I am going to a 1-year-olds birthday party, which I am really looking forward to. (Come on, everyone loves babies...and this one is extra special)

So with all of these joys (and a few other reasons...more on that later), I think that a big part of me really thought that this was going to be the month that our rainbow came.

"Rainbows" are what people call the babies you have after a miscarriage. It's a pretty nice analogy... a rainbow comes after a storm. That's a cliche I can get behind. Plus, bonus, I find Judy Garland's voice to be pretty soothing, so in general I like the phrase.

Some people do it right....

...and some do not...

So it's a fine line. I defiantly wouldn't call a rainbow baby a "rainbow baby" if the parents haven't said it first. It's kind of like calling a kid by a nickname...you better make sure Mom and Dad are cool with it. (Never call a Richard, Dick until they introduce themselves that way....yah. Just trust me.)

Anyway things were very promising this month. I would have been due in July which is terrible timing both professionally and personally. It's my peak season for work and we are going to a family wedding on the other side of the country. I am also off to Disney in a few weeks which would limit my fun a bit. So basically, since the timing would be awful I figured...with my luck...good chance right? 

Well luckily....(unluckily?)... we did not have success this cycle. I am pretty ok with that given all of the trouble it would cause. 

But on to the good news! We have confirmed ovulation! YAY! Way to go fertility monitor you were on the money.

So these are my results from my CD21 (cycle day 21) progesterone test. Anything above 10 confirms ovulation. If you remember way back when, my levels were less than 1...so it's kind of a big deal :) Now the cycle that I found out I was pregnant my numbers were in the 20s. Progesterone levels rise after implantation (when the egg burrows into the uterine lining) so a high progesterone level is a good sign. My doctor is a firm believer that these numbers are a good indicator for pregnancy. Lucky for me, she likes to call me with the results and casts her predictions. 

(Quick happy dance for a great doc and confirmed ovulation!)

Now if you are cruising around the web googling progesterone levels ( shush some people do it! ::cough cough:: me) you are going to get a million different answers. We are all gentle snowflakes remember? Just go on what your doctor says. Some believe medicated cycles, like mine, should already be in the 20s...I say....

I have a pregnancy in my medical history, so my doctor knows much more about my levels than the internet ever will....well maybe until now....since I just told everyone....hummmm..

Anyway, It was nice hearing her say that the month wasnt successful. WHAT?! WHY, you ask? Because I did take a HPT and it was super negative. I thought maybe I just tested to early and that I'd have to wait a few more days and test again, but then the doctor called. Nothing sucks more than false-hope so it was nice that I knew early. Now I can even enjoy a glass of wine or even better....a Venti Latte...FULLY CAFFEINATED.

I am so very tired of decaf coffee.

So, long story short, I have lots of mixed emotions this month. Sure I am disappointed, but I also know that in the long run it's better. I mean come on! I'm going to DISNEY WORLD for crying out loud. What's a trip to Disney without Space Mountain? Plus we all know I live my life by Disney wisdom. And what is more fitting than this....

....See you next time friends!

Oct 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day and More!

If you are a fan of social media, chances are you've seen this image in the last few days. If you know someone who has suffered a loss, it is a great time to reach out to remind them that someone cares. 

October is a big month in the "infertility community". Lot's of people hold remembrances or attend awareness walks. I am not a fan of big public displays, so a simple post seems sufficient enough. 

October is also my first month "officially" back on my treatment plan. This plan involves medication and careful tracking. 

Ive had some questions about the fertility monitor I use, so below are examples from this month.

This is a day 8 reading on my monitor showing that I was in a "high fertility" window. Day 8 means I am 8 days from the first day in the cycle (pretty self explanatory). The monitor does not check your levels everyday (that would be a huge waste of expensive sticks). Instead it zeros in on your fertility window. The more you use the monitor the more accurate these readings become. For me, the monitor prompts my first test on the 7th or 8th day. This month it prompted me to start on day 6 since it was my fist month back to using it. The first two tests came back as "low" or just the first bar filled. The fertile window begins in bar 2 and starts about 5-6 days before ovulation. (Remember sperm can live up to 5 days!)

I stayed in the fertile window until day 13 when I got this beauty....

This is a positive ovulation reading. (see the little egg? isn't it cute?) Now sometimes I will get a solid third box which mean levels are rising but there wasn't a big jump which would normally indicate ovulation. Basically, this is the reading you are after. In fact, once you get this result the monitor stops tracking you until the next month and requires no more tests. Once you get your little egg you have between 12-24 hours to ovulate. They do recommend using a 12-36 hour window so they will give you another high reading the very next day, just to be safe. 

So this is good news! It is very likely that I ovulated the month. The timing is right, the readings are on par, and it's actually showing that I ovulated a day earlier than is the norm. (Normal 28 day cycle ovulates on the 14th day...give or take a few days in either direction). Of course, this is not fool proof and cycles are a bit like snow flakes. 

Let it gooooo, Let it goooooo

Cheeky little Snow Queen. Anyway, since these monitors aren't fool-proof and we are all like precious little snowflakes, a 21 day progesterone test was order to confirm ovulation. Now my last tests came back with progesterone levels so high that the doctor thinks it may have been a lab error. (They were higher than someone pregnant with twins...YIKES) Looks like someone forgot the importance of decimal points. So between the last weird result and the clomid, a test is needed on the 21st day of your cycle to confirm ovulation. If ovulation can not be confirmed the dosage of clomid may be adjusted. Higher dosages come with higher risks and harsher side-effects so the goal is to trigger ovulation with the smallest dosage.

If the test comes back positive for ovulation, I will wait a few days and then test with an HPT. If it comes back negative, I stop for a bottle of wine and refill my prescription for next month. Just like baking a delicious cake, you need eggs to make it happen.

Fingers crossed, let's see what happens! 

Truelife: I'm Trying to Make a Baby - Oct 1 2015

Hi, my Name is Alyssa and I am trying to make a baby. 

Making a baby is hard. I realize for some it is easy, but that's what makes it so damn hard. For some you just do the deed, maybe you had a glass of wine, maybe it was a Sunday afternoon...good for you. Did you use an ovulation test because you wanted to make that baby on the first try...good for you. You are one lucky duck and I am very happy for you because that's the way it should be! So raise the roof and thank the baby-dance, you made a human.

That is 100% not my life. 

Have you ever left an event because your monitor says it's go-time? Have you ever spent $150 at CVS for things that you PEE on? Have you ever balled your eyes out because of a horrible drug that makes you forget how to be happy for other people? That is my life...

...and this is my bathroom

So pictured above is my most recent run to CVS where I spent roughly $150. Some items are not pictured but let me run through my list...

1) Clomid

2) Clearblue monitor strips (I've had the monitor for a while now)

3) Prenatal vitamins (which I have been on for almost TWO YEARS)

4) Sterile Specimen cup

5) First Response Pregnancy Test

6) Tampons (Not pictured)

7) Diva Soft cups (Not pictured)

8) Decaf coffee (Not pictured)

9) Chocolate (not pictured....I ate it...I eat my feelings) 

These are the tools of my trade. I do not stock up on Tampons....I think a piece of me refuses to believe I will need them but it's worse when I realize the evil red demon is coming and I am unprepared.

I hate decaf coffee, but I also hate what caffeine does to fertility.  If I start out with decaf in the AM I can treat myself to a fully loaded cup when I start to drag during the day. But ONE cup only!

Soft cups. If you follow this blog you should know what they are. I didn't want to scare anyone, so they arent pictured. You're welcome :)

Other tools of my trade can be found right on my phone. I use not ONE, not TWO, but THREE fertility apps. My plan was to only use two so I will choose one to eliminate.

App One: Period Tracker

So you've heard me talk about PT before. It's a sturdy little app and I used it long before I started TTC. I would recommend it to any lady. It has super cute options for the home page. During the summer I choose the Beach Theme and during my fertile week little starfish appear on the shore. This one is the Outdoorsy Theme and the flowers around the tent bloom and little bees buzz during my fertile week.

 

(Cute right?)

There is also the very helpful calendar view. From this page you can add Symptoms, intimate days, notes, etc.  It's very user friendly for the busy busy lady on the go! There is also a social aspect where you can post. I like this app's social groups best because there are fewer threads and it works more like the AIM (I am so old). Because of the one on one contact of the AIM-like chats, I actually have "friends" on this app and I've enjoyed watching their journeys.

App Two: Glow 

So I am brand new to Glow. It is super fancy and is really a fertility app rather than a period app. The calendar is not my favorite, But I do like that you can revise information from this page. It is cool that you can see exactly how fertile you are right on the home page. (Also- sorry, I realize you are all seeing exactly where I am in my cycle).

So as you can see here the focus is really on fertility. 

Another feature of Glow is all the places to record your data. For those doing Cervical Mucus checks or Basil Body Temping....this is the app for you. Anything you think could possibly effect your fertility is accounted for here.

This page goes on and on! You can even add all the food/drink you've consumed because of course you are on a strict fertility diet. This isn't your first rodeo! And that's exactly how I feel about this app. This app is for some serious fertility trackers. I am actually a little overwhelmed by it. The social pages are also extremely overwhelming. The groups are very specific and they have RULES. So be careful there. Angry ladies on fertility drugs really hate rule-breakers....trust me!

Note: I am actually deleting the app....sorry GLOW...Three apps is too many!

App 3: Ovia
So I used the Ovia Pregnancy App while I was expecting and I LOVED it. It was the first thing I looked at in the morning so I could get my daily fun-fact. I was obsessed with the little hand on the app that grew each week...so cute...I HIGHLY recommend that Ovia Pregnancy App.

But this is the fertility App so it's pretty different. Like the Glow App this is for those tracking fertility. It gives you a score rather than a percentage like on Glow. It also shows weather and has fun articles.

There is also a fun "MyQ" bottom which has hundreds of questions. By answering these questions they can tailor the app to you. This is a super cool feature and I've answered at least 200 questions at this point.

Like Glow, this app lets you record symptoms, moods, and lots of fertility info.  I love the layout (big colorful buttons!). If I had to choose between Ovia and Glow I would choose Ovia. It's a little less intense and I like that it gets to know me to tailor my experience. 

Conclusions

So why the heck do I do all of this and use multiple Apps? All of this effort gives me a little peace of mind. It gives me something to do every single day. Sure, maybe it wont actually help me get pregnant, but at least it feels like I am DOING something. The more I learn about fertility, the better I feel about where I am. I haven't had to do IUI or IVF and my issue is not a "Male Factor". There is also the fact that I was actually able to get pregnant so chances are good that I will get pregnant again. The trick is to stay positive even though it's super hard. I've found that regressing into childhood movies, crafting, and new fan-doms has kept me pretty positive. So three cheers to Dr. Hooves :) because he makes me smile.

Back in The Saddle Again! - September 22

Ok so the TTC saddle might not be "blazing" but it is pretty comedic sometimes. This month I am back on track and focused which means that I am even crazier than before! Obsessive tracking - CHECK! Crazy Symptom Watching- CHECK! Pinterest Addicted - CHECK!

Earlier this month I found myself just absolutely DROWNING in other people's babies. New babies born, pregnancies announced, baby sitting an absolutely perfect child. It is equal parts wonderful and heart wrenching. 

I think these instances, in combination with the recent miscarriage, have forced me straight into the "Baby-Crazies". However, I am going to reel it in and focus on some details of getting back to TTC after miscarriage.

After a miscarriage your body is super confused. Your hormones are a mess, your body is physically recovering, and you are coping the best you can. The number one question that I have heard from those in the miscarriage community is  "when can I start trying again?" This is a really hard question to answer, and I had multiple doctors answer it before I even asked.

Ok, so there are a few schools of thought on TTC after a miscarriage. One important factor to consider is that the longer you are pregnant the longer it takes for your body to regulate your hormones. Perhaps even more importantly, I am not a doctor! These are my experiences through my personal filter!

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way......

School of thought number one: Wait Three Months (three cycles)

Yah...three months. No joke. Needless to say, I will not be waiting three months. Here is the deal though, doctors have some really strong reasons for suggesting the three month rule. Here are a few of those reasons.

1) your hormones are fully regulated
2) your uterine lining is nice and thick
3) you had time to cope and grieve

The reasons make sense. What I learned, from my OB and from the inter-webs, is that doctors recommend 3 months primarily for the mental health of their patients. Reasons number 1 and 2 can be accomplished with one full cycle.

The truth of this seems to boil down to doctors do not want "high maintenance" patients. So I think it's important to take stock of your status and decide if you are emotionally ready to be pregnant again.

School of thought number two: Wait One Month (one cycle)

(Thank Goodness! .... It's a Wicked reference....get on my level!)

As stated above, after a cycle your hormones are back on track, your lining should be back to normal, but perhaps the most important reason is DATING. Not like put on some sassy heels and head down to your favorite BYOB, like you are pregnant and the doctors need to know how many days and weeks you have been pregnant. There are very specific "milestones" the doctors are checking each time you go in for an appointment. Often, these milestones are how doctors determine that you are about to miscarry or that your child has passed. 

Get ready to have your mind blown....It is possible to get pregnant again immediately after miscarriage. As in, before you have a period. 

Yup. That is possible and it happens..... a lot. Doctors really really really hate it. They will make you PROMISE to wait until after your first period to try again. And truthfully, it makes so much sense to wait. Emotionally you aren't ready (don't lie! you're not...see my last post about coping verse grieving) , your body isn't ready, and you are about to make your next pregnancy harder.

Here are my reasons to wait until after 1 full cycle to try again:

1) My body has proven that my HCG levels are back to normal ( so I wont get a false positive on a test unless I am actually pregnant).
2) My uterine lining should be nice and thick so I can begin Clomid. (Clomid thins the lining!)
3) My doctors will be able to date my pregnancy.
4) My emotions are under control so I can be a good patient to my very deserving doctor.

So we are back at it again! In a few days we will know if we had a successful cycle. If not, we adjust medications and try again. Now if you excuses me....I have symptoms to log and crazy TTC groups to join!

Grieving and Coping are Not the Same- September 2015

Recently I spent a week in Ocean City. I left mountains of work behind and many of my troubles to finally put my feet in the sand and a drink in my hand. I knew getting away would relieve some stress, but I didn't realize how much healing I had left to do until I suddenly had time to clear my mind (and schedule) to really grieve.

One night at the beach with my little dog and a glass of wine I realized, grieving and coping are not the same. 

So far (with a few exceptions) I was doing a very good job of coping. When people would come up and say something like"Oh my gosh you don't even look pregnant!" Instead of crying or lashing out I'd simply smile and say "it wasn't meant to be". When I looked into the horrified face of the person who innocently made the statement, I would find myself comforting them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I said these words: "It's OK, we'll try again." I was comforting other people with a smile on my face and lie in my words. Only one person said to me, "No. It's not OK. It's a horrible thing that's happened to you." He saw right through my lies. These comforting words gave me permission to grieve and wipe the fake smile off my face. Others in my life allowed me to grieve, but it's hard to place such a burden on the people you love.

Socially, grief is a tricky subject. People know you are sad and for the most part they feel sympathy. But in reality, you can't just fall apart at work, baby showers, or watching a mom strap their baby into the grocery cart. You have to cope. Coping is what gets you from one day to the next, and keeps you out of the HR office.

During the coping phase, distraction was my friend. I read many books, crafted, worked over time. I did anything and everything but grieve.

So back to the night at the beach when I realized I had so much grieving left to do...

So there I was away from home. Alone. No distractions. No one to smile for or to comfort with my coping. I became quite and introspective. I allowed myself to feel. Jealousy, anger, sadness, hopelessness, loss.  I thought about the quote above and it suddenly felt right. Grief comes in waves. It crashes on you and threatens to pull you under. When it subsides into a calm you appreciate the stillness. Grieving, to me, is appreciating the stillness and finding beauty in the waves.

So you may see me coping. You may see me coping really well. For now, the grief remains.

Remembering and Waiting Still- From Conception to Miscarriage

I know it has been quite some time since I posted here. It was my intention to announce on the first day of my second trimester that our treatments worked and that we would be expecting our bundle in February. I had hoped to turn the subject from infertility to the joys ( and some times pains) of pregnancy.

I made this very shortly after finding out we were expecting, the day before my husbands 31st birthday. I began a journal that day so that I would pull out entries for later blogging. Below is one of those entries.


"At last! Although I feel like complete garbage today is a day for celebration! For the last two nights I thought I was riddled with the flu. I couldn't eat or sleep and I just wanted my period to come so I could start taking cold medicine. The day before my period was due (May 29th) I decided I couldn't take it anymore and needed some DayQuil. So at 4:00 AM I shuffled my sad sick self to the bathroom and took a dollar store pregancy test ( even though I made myself swear that I wouldn't take another test until I was a few days late). I pulled the DayQuil out of the closet and texted my boss that I wouldn't make it in the morning while I waited those horrible 3 minutes. Then BAM! I picked up the test and was dumbfounded. A solid, no squinting, POSITIVE. I was skeptical to say the least. I showed my husband and told him it was dollar store test. This made him skeptical as well. I sent a picture of the test to my sister and told her not to get too excited. As soon as I was able to pull myself together, I headed to the CVS to get a more reliable test. (I actually got two...just in case). The tests we unanimous and celebration ensued."

 Because I am crazy, I took a few after that too...just to make sure it was real. A few weeks later we announced to my parents in a very thought-out and video tapped fashion. We were all on cloud nine. Then came the first ultrasound. A happy healthy little peanut not only had a strong heartbeat but was "raising the roof".

Once a heartbeat is seen (and especially movement) your risk for miscarriage goes way down. So based on that information we opened the flood gates and told everyone who would listen. My work couldn't have been more supportive and everyone around us felt our excitement.

Weeks went by and I continued to write in my Journal. I struggled with the "morning sickness" which came mostly at night and the thought of meat passing through my lips was unbearable. I lost some weight but not enough that the doctors were concerned. The only real concern came from my blood pressure which was continually elevated so we began to monitor that closely. I passed my first glucose test with flying colors and our little one even developed fingers and toes.

A week or so after my vast blood panel, I got a call from the nurse telling me some unfortunate news. One of my tests came back positive and I would need to begin seeing a specialist. I had contracted Fifths which can cause heart failure in a very low percentage of pregnancies. My levels were very high so they wanted to be safe. They scared me to death. I was told don't worry the "odds are in your favor" like some sick Hunger Games reference. After a good cry and tons of wallowing I held my chin up and tried to remain positive. We warned our family, friends, and co-workers that I was now a "high-risk" pregnancy. My husband took it harder than I did, I think he was preparing himself for the worst.

A few weeks later ( which was the soonest the specialist could see me) I went in with my mother to do some additional testing and get a new "schedule". Usually they increase the monitoring of mom and baby when you have Fifths. I was well read and thought I knew what to expect. Mom and I joked with the the front desk and the technician. Then came the moment my whole world flipped. Up on the screen was my perfect little one, so much bigger than the last time I saw him or her, but not moving at all. I saw no fluttering heart, no "roof raising", nothing. The tech was silent. I felt it immediately. My baby was gone. The tech left to get the doctor ( red flag number 3) and I turned to my mother and said "this is really bad, I didn't see the heart." She tried to reassure but I knew it was too late. The doctor came back and then she said those horrible words. "I'm sorry, you may have noticed, your baby has passed."

It is an unimaginable pain that rips through you. Truly, it can not be described. It was a shock to everyone, including the doctor who thought it would be a routine visit. I was moved to the break-room because the specialist is not like your normal OB's office- they were unprepared. She began running through facts and theories and although I know she meant to comfort me - it was cold. I left the talking to my mother and sat their trying to figure out how I was going to tell my husband. I knew I couldn't wait but I was worried about him driving home while upset.

Mom got me back to the car. She was my rock. She called my father who picked up my husband and brought him home to be with me. I made it home, which still doesn't feel right. The crib is there and a room full of promise and yet it's empty. Bless my family for their strength because they held it together while I fell apart and it was only the beginning. I am still (almost 4 weeks later) actively miscarrying.

The process of miscarriage is long and the truth is no one ever talks about it. It is lonely. Since I was in the last week of my first trimester ( I was even showing) we had to tell everyone. The number of people who came forward with similar stories was astounding. I know that it isn't a happy topic but the truth is we need to talk about it. I need to talk about it. So please bare with me through the next few entries as I go through the processes of healing.

And now a Metaphor - June 4th

Remember this kid from Matilda?

Sure you do! Bruce! Bruce LOVES cake. Bruce has an unnatural attraction to cake. It's like he can sense when cake is around. He will do anything to get some cake. Maybe even something crazy ( I dunno like creating a silly blog about your infertility...or taking a horrible bundle of hormones that makes you sick). Oh wait, that's me... Well, in Bruce's case, he went toe-to-toe with the Trunchbull herself! Are you feeling the connection? Oh you'll do anything for a baby? I mean cake! Well here is what the Trunchbull we call life has planned......

Let's put the thing you want most in the whole world right in front of your face....

Poor Brucey. He wanted to be with the cake. He appreciated the cake. He is so excited for the cake to be near him that he is equally terrified that his bond with said cake has entered into L-word territory.


(PSSST: That's exactly what it feels like to be around other people's babies. You love them and you just cant help yourself ...you want one...badly)

So here is where Bruce become so freaking cool.... You're my hero Brucey!

Bruce stands up and says...Listen I like your cake and all....I might even LOVE your cake. But I know that MY cake will be better.

Ok now friends, co-workers, readers with babies, do not be offended. Just like a good Italian and  meatballs, you like your family's "recipe" best. It doesn't mean you can't appreciate another recipe...maybe you even LOVE it. But there is something so special about having your own.

So while I completely enjoy the presence of your little one...heck I may even love them truly...I know that I have enough room in my heart to love my own even more.

So yes, I began filling my Hope Chest ( see previous post). I added a little collection of Burt's Bees Baby items because Hobby and I have our hearts set on keeping things gender neutral. We also collected gifts for our parents.

So thank you to everyone who commented, called, and texted! I see bright things ahead :)