Grieving and Coping are Not the Same- September 2015

Recently I spent a week in Ocean City. I left mountains of work behind and many of my troubles to finally put my feet in the sand and a drink in my hand. I knew getting away would relieve some stress, but I didn't realize how much healing I had left to do until I suddenly had time to clear my mind (and schedule) to really grieve.

One night at the beach with my little dog and a glass of wine I realized, grieving and coping are not the same. 

So far (with a few exceptions) I was doing a very good job of coping. When people would come up and say something like"Oh my gosh you don't even look pregnant!" Instead of crying or lashing out I'd simply smile and say "it wasn't meant to be". When I looked into the horrified face of the person who innocently made the statement, I would find myself comforting them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I said these words: "It's OK, we'll try again." I was comforting other people with a smile on my face and lie in my words. Only one person said to me, "No. It's not OK. It's a horrible thing that's happened to you." He saw right through my lies. These comforting words gave me permission to grieve and wipe the fake smile off my face. Others in my life allowed me to grieve, but it's hard to place such a burden on the people you love.

Socially, grief is a tricky subject. People know you are sad and for the most part they feel sympathy. But in reality, you can't just fall apart at work, baby showers, or watching a mom strap their baby into the grocery cart. You have to cope. Coping is what gets you from one day to the next, and keeps you out of the HR office.

During the coping phase, distraction was my friend. I read many books, crafted, worked over time. I did anything and everything but grieve.

So back to the night at the beach when I realized I had so much grieving left to do...

So there I was away from home. Alone. No distractions. No one to smile for or to comfort with my coping. I became quite and introspective. I allowed myself to feel. Jealousy, anger, sadness, hopelessness, loss.  I thought about the quote above and it suddenly felt right. Grief comes in waves. It crashes on you and threatens to pull you under. When it subsides into a calm you appreciate the stillness. Grieving, to me, is appreciating the stillness and finding beauty in the waves.

So you may see me coping. You may see me coping really well. For now, the grief remains.