Letters to my Friends - April 28

Hello Boys and Girls! Ok, so here is the deal...I've been a bit, well,....grouchy. Perhaps it's because of the hot flashes and the puking, or maybe it's all pregnant women/ beautiful babies everywhere. No matter the cause, I'd like to address those feelings here and now. Here are all the things I may not be able to say face-to-face....

Dear Pregnant Friends,
It's not you, it's me. If you've noticed me pulling away from you or I seem less interested in your wonderful journey to motherhood, I am. I know that sounds mean and horrible...and it is! I promise that there is a piece of me that is over-joyed for you, but right now that piece is being completely squashed by piles of negative HPT, doctor's appointments, and viles of blood. I know that you are not trying to hurt me, but you may accidentally send me into a night of binge eating and re-runs of Pretty Little Liars. I don't love you any less and I will try to be there for you as much as I am able. I ask that if I skip out on the shopping trips, the vegetable comparisons, or even the shower please forgive me.
I love you and your little-one,
Your overly-emotional hot-mess of a Friend



Dear Friends with Babies,
Please do not avoid me. I know, what kind of crazy lady can't handle being around pregnant women, but can't wait to have someone's baby in their arms?....um this lady right here. Your little bundle is a reminder of why I have to keep trying. Now if you waft your baby by me like he/she is too precious for me to touch....well then you're right. Keep them to yourself. Your baby has cooties and I don't want to hold him/her. However, if you want me to experience a piece of the joy you must feel each time you hold your beautiful bundle, then yes please sign me up! I do feedings and diapers! You and your baby make me happy, thank you for including me in your happiness.
Sincerely,
Everybody Loves Babies, Duh!


Dear Friends Beginning the Crusade to Conception,
Welcome to the club. I wish you quick and easy success. If you do have quick and easy success, please see the first letter.  If you find that you have questions about beginning your crusade or that you are struggling, I am always here for you. It's kind of like swapping old war stories. "I remember O-day way back in January....there was snow fall that night and I just wanted to be asleep.....". I am here for you, let's make babies...just not together. Also, baby-making isn't a race. So please, go forth and procreate.
Let's do this,
Just Another Knight in the Battle



Dear Friends Far from Making Babies (at least on purpose),
I'll be calling you. You make me remember all the good baby-free parts of my like. Like beer-tastings and not needing a sitter. You remind me that you don't need a baby to be happy. You're role is key to my happiness. Want to ride a roller-coaster? Count me in! There may be certain weeks when I'll be holding out hope and watching my activities ( I really miss caffeine), but keep inviting me to things. There is at least one week out of each month when I'll be needing that large glass of wine, and it always is better with a friend.
Thank you,
I'll take a Venti Brevi Latte...extra caffeine.



Thanks for Reading :) 

Clomid is a Super Villain or "I'm Sorry for what I said on Clomid." (February to April)

So here is the thing about finally having answers, you are equal parts relieved and angry. One part of you is extremely excited to begin your treatment plan and the other can't believe you had to wait this long. I felt like I'd wasted months not ovulating. (Hubby did not feel this way. And that's ok!) 

As I started to come out of the "infertility closet" I found that although my fantastic, sexy, loving husband was a great support system that nothing beats venting to girlfriends. Since it is National Fertility Awareness Week, I encourage you to reach out to a female friend. It will make a huge difference. Hubby should be supportive but chances are that he is stressing too. Give him a break and vent to a close friend. To my close friends: I simply adore you. I couldn't do this without. 

Ok so now that you've established a support system and a treatment plan, get ready for change. My treatment plan involved a crazy super villain of a drug called clomid. It's a very popular drug used to help women ovulate by blocking hormones. I know what you're thinking.... Why the heck would I want to block my hormones? Well it only blocks your hormones during days 5-7 ( some times earlier or later depending on you doctors instructions). You body senses that you are low on hormones and begins rapidly producing. This push of hormones should cause you to ovulate and develop better quality eggs. It can also cause multiple eggs to release (read: increased possibility of twins). It will also cause dry skin, acne, mood swings, hot flashes, morning sickness, emotional breakdown when you are near baby cloths, stores, or toys, and everyone's favorite.... Increased sex drive. Nothing says sexy like acne and puking! 

So yes, clomid is a super villain. You can't deny its amazing power but you also really hate it. My first month of clomid was successful in terms of ovulation...yay step one! You will need a blood test on the 21st day of your cycle to confirm ovulation. Unfortunately, no conception for us. My progesterone level at day 21 was a 16.2 which is good but not high enough to support conception. So I had to wait until cycle day 30 to confirm that we did not conceive. I took it hard. There are tons and tons of success stories about women who just needed one round of clomid and boom! Pregnant.

During my two week wait, the symptoms of clomid kicked my ass. It kicked my ass so badly, that I decided I need to tell my boss. I knew that in addition to all the days I would need to leave early for blood work that I would also be puking at my desk and having hot flashes in meetings. Now listen, I am not suggesting that everyone go tell their bosses. I have an amazingly supportive boss who believes that family is the most important part of a person's life. If you really think you will need some extra time off or that these treatments may negatively affect the quality of your work, maybe speak to your HR department.

So I am now past my second round of clomid and waiting for my day 21 results to confirm ovulation. If ovulation is confirmed by Monday I'll have 5 more days of waiting before a pregnancy test. Next week will most likely be the hardest week of the month. Between the horrible side effects of clomid and the stress of waiting, I know that there is going to be a "ranting" post sometime next week. I apologize a head of time! 

Thanks for reading! 

"Progesterone, Motility, and Wands...Oh MY!" (January - February: Part 2)

So the world of infertility can be really confusing. Ms. Gale had is super easy with her BRIGHT YELLOW road, THREE tour guides, and a FAIRY GODMOTHER. Of course she found her way to the wizard. I would be concerned if she hadn't found the wizard.

Well, I am no fairy godmother but hopefully I can explain some of the more confusing parts of these fertility tests.

Let's Start with the men....

Semen Analysis
Ok so the trickiest part about male fertility is that they don't have a "go-to" doctor like an OBGYN. My OBGYN did the order for my husband to have his semen tested, but we had to go through a Reproductive Clinic to do the test. There are some very strict rules about when you can and can't have sex near the date of your test. Make sure you confirm with you doctor. Also, prepare to pay out of pocket for this one. Another really great things is, unlike on Friends, you do not need to produce your sample in the office and risk running into Janice.

Lucky males can actually produce their samples at home in a sterile container and drop them off....no weird encounters needed. The doctor will call you with the results once the sperm has been analyzed for motility, quality, and count. If your doctor is anything like mine she will call and say "everything came back as normal. Hubby is fertile." (and that is the end of the conversation) For your peace of mind, I will tell you that male fertility is often rated as simply Normal or Abnormal.  As long as you fall into the "normal" category there is no treatment for Hubby. Lucky Lucky him....

Ok onto the ladies..... Things are going to much more difficult for you. ( I know you're shocked)

The Ultrasounds:
The purpose of the ultrasound is to make sure all the parts are there and looking healthy. They are basically in search of abnormalities.What you may not know is that there are two different kinds of ultrasounds. The first type is the one you see in TV and Movies. It's the Standard Ultrasound.

Standard Ultrasound...yah this lady is preggers...lucky little...::grumbles::

You will need to drink a specific amount of water in a small time frame so that your bladder is full for the test. (Yes this is uncomfortable, but not painful) The technician squirts a jelly-like lubricant on your abdomen and then rubs a wand-type device against your skin in the pelvic area. This produced a two-dimensional picture. The technician will start clicking tons and tons of pictures and uses a computer program to take measurements of everything. This test is relatively painless unless your bladder is too full! (Then it can be very uncomfortable) The best part is you get to keep most of your dignity.

The second test ( and yes the doctor is going to request both) is the Transvaginal Scan. Ladies, I am going to come right out an say it...leave your dignity at the door. This test is not for the faint of heart. You will be asked to empty your bladder before this test begins because the technician does not want to be in "The Splash Zone". Oh, its about to get graphic ...so....sit down, please. Are you sitting? Good. The test uses a vaginal transducer which is covered in a condom and a gel before it is inserted. ( Did you faint yet?! I'm so sorry! I know, it's horrible.) Fortunately, (or unfortunately?) this test allows the doctor to see lots of detail that they wouldn't see with a Standard Ultrasound. Also, it looks like the graceful neck of a swan. Do not be fooled, there is nothing graceful about this.

  
(:::SHUDDER:::)

The Blood Test

Your doctor may want to test for multiple things. My doctor wanted to test Progesterone and my Thyroid. Progesterone testing is actually monitoring the Follicle-Stimulating Hormone (FSH). FSH is produced by your pituitary gland and controls the menstrual cycle and the  production of eggs by the ovaries. The amount of FSH varies depending on what part of the cycle you are in. This is why they need to test at Day 3 and Day 21. Think of your FSH like phases of the moon.

So if you think back to those ovulation tests they are basically doing the same thing, but a blood test is much more accurate. Women's hormones have an ebb and flow (wink wink) through their cycle. Those Monitors and OPKs are looking for the upward trend of these hormones. Remember when I said your CBFM can't PROVE that you ovulated? That's because it is just comparing your levels. If the highest your midcycle peak ever reaches is a 4, the monitor reports that as your peak or highest fertility day. But in reality, you didn't ovulate.

So that brings me to this.....

My Diagnosis



Friends, I do not ovulate even though I have regular cycles. My results for my 21 day tests came back with the hormone levels of a women well into menopause. So how did I go so long without noticing? I was taking all those OPKs and using the Monitor, so what happened? Well, it's pretty simple. I still cycle through my hormones. They still ebb and flow to create a normal 30 day cycle. The good news is that Hubby doesn't seem to have an issue. The extra good news is that hormones can be regulated with drugs.  So chin up! The second part of my journey begins in my next entry "I'm sorry for what I said while I was on Clomid".

Hitting the One Year Mark (January to February: Part 1)

Alright my Fertility Crusaders....You're back! So you must have recovered from the trauma of the last post. Thanks for hanging-in through the weirdness. I can't promise it won't happen again.

So, you've been fighting the good fight for a year. At last you can reach out to your OB or maybe even the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  RE's have some hefty fees and are not covered by most insurance plans, so for me I wanted to arm myself with a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) and some professional advice from my OB.

Lets start with this little device...The Clear Blue Fertility Monitor...

POAS addicts rejoice! More stuff to pee on! This handy-dandy little monitor is much like an OPK, but it does all the reading for you. Instead of squinting at lines on a test, you insert the special stick into the machine and it scans for multiple hormones ( not just the LH that OPKs test). The results range from infertile (as pictured above) to Ovulation. In the middle it will show your rising LH levels. At the very top is the box that shows highest fertility. Ovulation is marked by a little egg in the highest box. When your little egg appears, you should ovulate in the next 12-24 hours. ( If you are like me, you will run around the house screaming and canceling all your plans.

Side story: One night I got my "little egg" notice very unexpectedly. Hubby was at a bar so I texted him to come home. In the excitement he announced to everyone that he had to leave because I was ovulating....bad husband. Don't do that!

Ok, so the CBFM may cause "ovulation hysteria". You've been warned! The super nice thing about the monitor is that it stores your information from month to month. Because of this it becomes more accurate the more that you use it. The down side is that just because it's your "peak" doesn't mean you ovulated. (which I did not know when I went to the OB....whomp whomp)

So why the heck would you buy this if it doesn't prove you ovulated? .... because it's been a year of craziness and you are just tired of waiting, DUH. No really, the CBFM is worth it! Especially if you are just going to buy OPKs. They add up quickly! It will save you lots of trouble and time. If you have some irregular cycles it's extra difficult to narrow down the fertile window. CBFM can help you pick out your most fertile days and plan accordingly. It's way more accurate than simply counting days (read: Rhythm Method). I bought my monitor on amazon and it came with two packs of testing sticks. I will admit to you, this is not a cheap method. The monitor is over $100 and the sticks are pricey. There are also very specific instructions about when to use the monitor (day and time of day) so make sure you open that box ASAP and get reading!

Ok so armed with my monitor and my logs from PeriodTracker, I scheduled a meeting with my brand new OB. (Sidebar: Ladies, if you have mixed feelings about your OBGYN, don't waste another second and find a new one. Now that I switched, I can't believe I didn't do it sooner!) I met my super amazing new OBGYN and she immediately began running test. She didn't question me or insult my intelligence. She didn't play into any silly wives tales (personal favorite: "if you just relax, it will happen") No really, my primary care physician actually said that to me...and then to my mother. HIPPA be damned!

It is super important to make sure your OB is a good fit for you. I actually really liked my OBGYN but the group she worked for was horrible. So if you dread making that yearly appointment for any reason other than...you know... the obvious reasons.... look for a new place. It's not worth the stress. Infertility is stressful enough, dealing with horrible care won't make it any easier.

One big challenge that I've dealt with is "ageist thinking". A very tricky thing about infertility under 30 is that everyone says, "oh, you have time", "what's your rush", "you only just got married". I've heard these little nuggets of ageism from friends, family, strangers, and even doctors. Here is a great blog post about "What not to say to people who are going through fertility treatment". If you have a friend or family member struggling with fertility I would highly recommend checking this out!

https://makingbabybrown.wordpress.com/2014/11/06/what-not-to-say-to-people-who-are-going-through-fertility-treatment/

Wow- I got really sidetracked. I believe we left off with my first infertility appointment. Yes!

My doctor wanted to gather some data right away. I had a 3 day progesterone, a 21 day progesterone, a thyroid test, and an ultra-sound. So what the heck are these for? Oh, I'll feed you baby birds....fear not!

Next Entry will be called "Progesterone, Motility, and Wands...Oh MY!" (January - February: Part 2)

Thanks for Reading!

You Want Me to Try What?! (October to December)

DISCLAIMER: So I feel like we are at the point in our relationship, dear reader, when things are about to get a bit weird. If you are a close personal friend it might be super awkward to read some of this...you have been warned!


So, where did we leave-off? Oh, right! You are addicted to peeing on sticks and you have run out of ideas. Clearly, at this stage, you've turned to the internet. At this point, for me, I was stumbling around website looking for stories that matched mine. I couldn't really find a perfect site because I wasn't actually sure what we were doing wrong or if we had another issue. So I took bits and pieces from all these different sites. Mostly I found that the modern mom-to-be is super into products.


One of the very first things I learned about (and the least scary) was Pre-seed.




Pre-seed is a lot like "personal lubricant" (insert middle school giggles here). However, it is so much more. Many personal lubricants create a "hostile environment" for sperm. Pre-seed is "fertility friendly" meaning that it brought beer and the game is on. Just kidding, but it does mean that the sperm isn't dying or swimming in circles looking for an exit. Pre-seed also mimics the natural fluids that are released by a woman during intercourse and ovulation. During certain times of your cycle these fluids change in consistency and texture. Some women will actually monitor the changes in their cervical fluid (and the amount of fluid) to determine their most fertile days. There are lots of chart and instructions for this on any of the major baby sites. All you really need to know is that wet and clear is good, and milky and thick is not. I won't get into any more details here....cause well...it's gross.

Anyway, Pre-seed creates a path for those feisty little swimmers so they can zip along a slip and slide right to their final destination. You know how men don't stop for directions? Sperm don't either. So this is a great way to insure that no one is getting lost (or killed) along the way. So here are my pros and cons of Pre-seed.

Pros:
1) Sperm stay alive (compared to other lubricants)
2) Sperm has a better chance of reaching their destination
3) Who doesn't love slip and slides?
4) A little goes a long long way. (read the instructions and use the applicator)

Cons:
1) A little goes and long long way, so you will need to adjust your amounts to avoid a big ol' mess. ( I would under estimate for your first use)
2) Did I mention mess?
3) No really, be careful, you are going to make a mess.

So now you have your pre-seed, you are slipping and sliding your way through life, but still no baby? May I now introduce to you ....The Softcup.

Ok, now some of you may know what this is. The Softcup is actually a very eco-friendly alternative to tampons or pads. It's actually kind of neat. It does exactly what you think it does. So, what the heck does this have to do with baby-making? Well some super awesome modern women found that if you insert a Softcup after intercourse that the cup will hold those happy, lazy, and stupid little swimmers right up to your cervix. For couples whose partners have low-motility or a low-count (which you may not know at this point... I know we didn't), it can yield some fantastic results. So this is one way to use Softcups to aid in fertility.

There is another way to use the Softcup for conception. This way is not for the squeamish, but is beloved by same-sex (female) couples looking to have babies without the high-cost of Artificial Insemination. It is also popular with couples who work opposite shifts or are just plum-tuckered-out from all the baby-making. Now....some of you are just putting it together...and cue the gagging noise. Yes, the male (partner or donor) must ...let's say...deposit...their "donation" into this cup. (It is recommended to actually prep the cup with Pre-seed first to help the swimmers find their way. ) Then the female inserts this cup and bam! magic!

Ok So Softcup Pros and Cons...

Pros:
1) Contains the mess
2) Easy to use
3) Comfortable ( I know you were wondering)
4) Cheap and multi-use

Cons:
1) Kind of gross
2) Not very sexy


So basically, I am a supporter of the Softcup. So what do you do when it's been 6 months and you have another 6 months to try before consulting with a specialist? Answer: some weird weird stuff!

So you may have notices that these 3 methods are really "male-focused". Male factors only make up a small percentage of the causes of infertility. Most often it is a combination of female and male. Truth is that these methods may not help if your issue is a solely female factor (like in my case). Next entry will be about hitting the one-year mark, fertility monitors, and beginning the those fertility tests.

Thanks for reading!