Archer's Birth Story - Part 2

So I realize that Archer is now 2 and I left everyone wondering what the heck happened after Part 1 of his Birth story. Perhaps you thought that I was still recovering, maybe I simply blocked it out,  or maybe I had to keep a baby alive so my life was no longer my own. These assumption are all anchored in truth to be sure.

A weird thing happens on your child's Birthday. You find yourself recanting the story to your friends and family. Some get all the gruesome details and others just funny little comments like "This time two years ago I was having a needle jammed into my spine." You know how you reminisce? Anyway Archer's 2nd Birthday inspired me to finish his official Birth Story and to maybe go back to taking a little time away to crack myself up picking out memes for this silly little blog.

 

Ok! So I left you right when the Doctor told me that I'd be having a baby right around Dinner time... Was I ready? No. Was I terrified? Yes. Did I call my mom and try not to cry? You bet.

So after the doctor tells me that I will be moving into a Birthing room ....A BIRTHING ROOM....friends, I didn't know I was having contractions and I am being transferred to A BIRTHING ROOM. Then they ask me if I want an epidural before they break the rest of my water. Like WHAT?! This is all happening so fast....

Oh right. PAUSE. You have been warned. I am going full detail here. If that makes you uncomfortable....I get it...LOOK AWAY. 

So why the Birthing room right away? Since I could not pinpoint when my water started leaking...I think probably Friday....they needed to induce labor to get things moving for the safety of the baby. I was 4cm when they moved me to the Birthing Room. The waters protect the baby not just from banging around inside your body but also from infection and bacteria. Due to these risks they want to minimize the time-frame and start me on antibiotics. So I was hooked up to an IV and stuck in that bed for the duration.

I am then wrapped in several adult diapers and the doctor appears with what looks like a crochet hook. Friends- I must tell you that the movies got this part right. Once they broke my water I was stunned by how much fluid was in there. I can not imagine if that had happened in public or even in my home...that would absolutely DESTROY a car seat.

So... why would they want to give me an epidural so soon after arriving and before they even broke my waters? Because induction is no joke and apparently not all anesthesiologists are created equal. (FORESHADOWING)

So now the bags are brought in from the car, I am all settled into my room, mom and dad are updated, and my sister should be arriving in a few hours to help coach. No rush right? WRONG

So I was officially moved to the Birthing Room at about 10, they broke my water, and by noon I am really feeling those contractions. (Thanks petocine!) I've made it to 6cm and I am stuck in the bed with an IV. I am starting to get uncomfortable and my sister should be arriving around 2. Around 1pm I cave and ask for an Epidural.

I was never delusional about my pain tolerance. I am what you might call....a big ol wimp. I always knew an epidural was in my future. What I did not know is that it would hands-down be the worst part of this experience. So after this MONSTER arrived to stick a needle in my back .... you know what no... let me break this down ....

This dude (That's right Doctor...you've been demoted to "dude') entered the room and doesn’t even talk to me. He asked the nurse “ has she watched the video?”. I answer him, “no, but I took the birthing class here and signed the waiver already”. He looks at the nurse like she betrayed him. He brings me another waiver and has me sign again while telling me what I will need to do. So I pull myself up and wrap my whole body around my terrified husband who is armed with a tarp. This MONSTER ( did I mention he’s a monster?) Tried THREE TIMES while I was screaming in pain and trying to tell him which side I was feeling it on before declaring that I shouldn’t have been induced because my contractions are too close together. He cuts the petocine and COMPLETELY STARTS OVER. By this time my sister is waiting to be let it and I am a shell of a human with snot pouring down my face while nurses are rubbing cool cloths over my face.

He finally decides that this fourth time higher up on my back is good enough and I finally get some relief....sort of. My sister is let in just in time for my stomach to start rolling. Turns out I do not respond well to paid medication. They give me something to keep my breakfast where it is and I get a chance to chat and order some last minute items on Amazon.

So we are chatting about names and making a list of all the things at the house that aren't ready and somehow I magically jump from  6cm to 10cm in a VERY short period of time. So short that I refuse to hit the call button. Sidenote: only one side of my body was affected by the Epidural so I was really starting to wiggle and I just wanted to walk around. At this time my sister is reaching over my wiggling form to push the call button because I refused to be a huge wimp.

With a great eye roll the nurse agrees to check me when I tell her I feel like I might be ready to push. She then says very calmly "I'll just get the doctor". As she is turning the corner she SPRINTS. My sister turns to us and whispers "oh my god, she just RAN."

A few seconds later my lovely OB SLAMS down on a stool which rolls half way across the room while pulling booties on over her shoes.

and then....Terror hits me. I have forgotten everything I learned in my birthing class. They send my sister to stand by my head as not to scar her for the rest of her life and my husband is told to grab a leg. A nurse wrestles with the other.

Sure enough, it is time to push push push...More to come in PART 3!