Home with a Newborn- Breastfeeding, PPD, and Maternity leave

For many, the newborn phase is their favorite. Tons of snuggles, sleeping every two hours, lots of 1 on 1 time, cries are still sweet and tiny, etc. For other this can be the most trying time. I can tell you that I was suffering. Suffering big time. I felt very unprepared for the healing and the changes in my life and my body. I was unprepared for the constant fear that the baby wasn't being cared for properly (made much worse when I struggled with  breastfeeding and he had Jandice). I felt alone and scared mostly.



I should preface this topic with the disclaimer: I had PPD (Post Pardum Depression) and I waited entirely too long to talk about it and get some help for it. So everything I experienced was clouded by these feelings that I was a bad mother. With that disclaimer lets break it down.

Breastfeeding:
Boy oh Boy. This may be the biggest challenge I have ever faced. My tiny little baby had a hard time latching and I had a hard time producing. So the hospital had me pump. Pump after every feed and then feed what I pumped - repeat forever. This meant that if he needed to eat every two hours I would spend 30 minutes breastfeeding, then 30 minutes pumping, then 30 minutes pace bottle feeding. That's an 1 and a half. All I did for weeks was worry, pump, and worry, cry and then mix my breast milk with formula. I did end up combo feeding which was a blessing and I was able to do that for 3 months until we found out that he had a dairy allergy. Then we switched to Nutramigen which is daily free and smells like hot garbage. He drank it anyway but unfortunately he had terrible reflux.  Around 8 months this eased and he puked less and slept more.



Maternity Leave:
Turns out, I am not stay-at-home-mom material. About half way through my leave I was ready to come back at least part time. I even asked if I could or if I could work from home a bit. They said no which was probably best for everyone but boy did I need to get out of my house and think about something other than diapers. The days and nights all run together because you are up every few hours. Simple things like eating and showering are difficult. I am glad I had the time 1 on 1 with my son but they were some of my most difficult days. I truly believe I became a better mother when I went back to work.