Truelife: I'm Trying to Make a Baby - Oct 1 2015

Hi, my Name is Alyssa and I am trying to make a baby. 

Making a baby is hard. I realize for some it is easy, but that's what makes it so damn hard. For some you just do the deed, maybe you had a glass of wine, maybe it was a Sunday afternoon...good for you. Did you use an ovulation test because you wanted to make that baby on the first try...good for you. You are one lucky duck and I am very happy for you because that's the way it should be! So raise the roof and thank the baby-dance, you made a human.

That is 100% not my life. 

Have you ever left an event because your monitor says it's go-time? Have you ever spent $150 at CVS for things that you PEE on? Have you ever balled your eyes out because of a horrible drug that makes you forget how to be happy for other people? That is my life...

...and this is my bathroom

So pictured above is my most recent run to CVS where I spent roughly $150. Some items are not pictured but let me run through my list...

1) Clomid

2) Clearblue monitor strips (I've had the monitor for a while now)

3) Prenatal vitamins (which I have been on for almost TWO YEARS)

4) Sterile Specimen cup

5) First Response Pregnancy Test

6) Tampons (Not pictured)

7) Diva Soft cups (Not pictured)

8) Decaf coffee (Not pictured)

9) Chocolate (not pictured....I ate it...I eat my feelings) 

These are the tools of my trade. I do not stock up on Tampons....I think a piece of me refuses to believe I will need them but it's worse when I realize the evil red demon is coming and I am unprepared.

I hate decaf coffee, but I also hate what caffeine does to fertility.  If I start out with decaf in the AM I can treat myself to a fully loaded cup when I start to drag during the day. But ONE cup only!

Soft cups. If you follow this blog you should know what they are. I didn't want to scare anyone, so they arent pictured. You're welcome :)

Other tools of my trade can be found right on my phone. I use not ONE, not TWO, but THREE fertility apps. My plan was to only use two so I will choose one to eliminate.

App One: Period Tracker

So you've heard me talk about PT before. It's a sturdy little app and I used it long before I started TTC. I would recommend it to any lady. It has super cute options for the home page. During the summer I choose the Beach Theme and during my fertile week little starfish appear on the shore. This one is the Outdoorsy Theme and the flowers around the tent bloom and little bees buzz during my fertile week.

 

(Cute right?)

There is also the very helpful calendar view. From this page you can add Symptoms, intimate days, notes, etc.  It's very user friendly for the busy busy lady on the go! There is also a social aspect where you can post. I like this app's social groups best because there are fewer threads and it works more like the AIM (I am so old). Because of the one on one contact of the AIM-like chats, I actually have "friends" on this app and I've enjoyed watching their journeys.

App Two: Glow 

So I am brand new to Glow. It is super fancy and is really a fertility app rather than a period app. The calendar is not my favorite, But I do like that you can revise information from this page. It is cool that you can see exactly how fertile you are right on the home page. (Also- sorry, I realize you are all seeing exactly where I am in my cycle).

So as you can see here the focus is really on fertility. 

Another feature of Glow is all the places to record your data. For those doing Cervical Mucus checks or Basil Body Temping....this is the app for you. Anything you think could possibly effect your fertility is accounted for here.

This page goes on and on! You can even add all the food/drink you've consumed because of course you are on a strict fertility diet. This isn't your first rodeo! And that's exactly how I feel about this app. This app is for some serious fertility trackers. I am actually a little overwhelmed by it. The social pages are also extremely overwhelming. The groups are very specific and they have RULES. So be careful there. Angry ladies on fertility drugs really hate rule-breakers....trust me!

Note: I am actually deleting the app....sorry GLOW...Three apps is too many!

App 3: Ovia
So I used the Ovia Pregnancy App while I was expecting and I LOVED it. It was the first thing I looked at in the morning so I could get my daily fun-fact. I was obsessed with the little hand on the app that grew each week...so cute...I HIGHLY recommend that Ovia Pregnancy App.

But this is the fertility App so it's pretty different. Like the Glow App this is for those tracking fertility. It gives you a score rather than a percentage like on Glow. It also shows weather and has fun articles.

There is also a fun "MyQ" bottom which has hundreds of questions. By answering these questions they can tailor the app to you. This is a super cool feature and I've answered at least 200 questions at this point.

Like Glow, this app lets you record symptoms, moods, and lots of fertility info.  I love the layout (big colorful buttons!). If I had to choose between Ovia and Glow I would choose Ovia. It's a little less intense and I like that it gets to know me to tailor my experience. 

Conclusions

So why the heck do I do all of this and use multiple Apps? All of this effort gives me a little peace of mind. It gives me something to do every single day. Sure, maybe it wont actually help me get pregnant, but at least it feels like I am DOING something. The more I learn about fertility, the better I feel about where I am. I haven't had to do IUI or IVF and my issue is not a "Male Factor". There is also the fact that I was actually able to get pregnant so chances are good that I will get pregnant again. The trick is to stay positive even though it's super hard. I've found that regressing into childhood movies, crafting, and new fan-doms has kept me pretty positive. So three cheers to Dr. Hooves :) because he makes me smile.

Back in The Saddle Again! - September 22

Ok so the TTC saddle might not be "blazing" but it is pretty comedic sometimes. This month I am back on track and focused which means that I am even crazier than before! Obsessive tracking - CHECK! Crazy Symptom Watching- CHECK! Pinterest Addicted - CHECK!

Earlier this month I found myself just absolutely DROWNING in other people's babies. New babies born, pregnancies announced, baby sitting an absolutely perfect child. It is equal parts wonderful and heart wrenching. 

I think these instances, in combination with the recent miscarriage, have forced me straight into the "Baby-Crazies". However, I am going to reel it in and focus on some details of getting back to TTC after miscarriage.

After a miscarriage your body is super confused. Your hormones are a mess, your body is physically recovering, and you are coping the best you can. The number one question that I have heard from those in the miscarriage community is  "when can I start trying again?" This is a really hard question to answer, and I had multiple doctors answer it before I even asked.

Ok, so there are a few schools of thought on TTC after a miscarriage. One important factor to consider is that the longer you are pregnant the longer it takes for your body to regulate your hormones. Perhaps even more importantly, I am not a doctor! These are my experiences through my personal filter!

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way......

School of thought number one: Wait Three Months (three cycles)

Yah...three months. No joke. Needless to say, I will not be waiting three months. Here is the deal though, doctors have some really strong reasons for suggesting the three month rule. Here are a few of those reasons.

1) your hormones are fully regulated
2) your uterine lining is nice and thick
3) you had time to cope and grieve

The reasons make sense. What I learned, from my OB and from the inter-webs, is that doctors recommend 3 months primarily for the mental health of their patients. Reasons number 1 and 2 can be accomplished with one full cycle.

The truth of this seems to boil down to doctors do not want "high maintenance" patients. So I think it's important to take stock of your status and decide if you are emotionally ready to be pregnant again.

School of thought number two: Wait One Month (one cycle)

(Thank Goodness! .... It's a Wicked reference....get on my level!)

As stated above, after a cycle your hormones are back on track, your lining should be back to normal, but perhaps the most important reason is DATING. Not like put on some sassy heels and head down to your favorite BYOB, like you are pregnant and the doctors need to know how many days and weeks you have been pregnant. There are very specific "milestones" the doctors are checking each time you go in for an appointment. Often, these milestones are how doctors determine that you are about to miscarry or that your child has passed. 

Get ready to have your mind blown....It is possible to get pregnant again immediately after miscarriage. As in, before you have a period. 

Yup. That is possible and it happens..... a lot. Doctors really really really hate it. They will make you PROMISE to wait until after your first period to try again. And truthfully, it makes so much sense to wait. Emotionally you aren't ready (don't lie! you're not...see my last post about coping verse grieving) , your body isn't ready, and you are about to make your next pregnancy harder.

Here are my reasons to wait until after 1 full cycle to try again:

1) My body has proven that my HCG levels are back to normal ( so I wont get a false positive on a test unless I am actually pregnant).
2) My uterine lining should be nice and thick so I can begin Clomid. (Clomid thins the lining!)
3) My doctors will be able to date my pregnancy.
4) My emotions are under control so I can be a good patient to my very deserving doctor.

So we are back at it again! In a few days we will know if we had a successful cycle. If not, we adjust medications and try again. Now if you excuses me....I have symptoms to log and crazy TTC groups to join!

Grieving and Coping are Not the Same- September 2015

Recently I spent a week in Ocean City. I left mountains of work behind and many of my troubles to finally put my feet in the sand and a drink in my hand. I knew getting away would relieve some stress, but I didn't realize how much healing I had left to do until I suddenly had time to clear my mind (and schedule) to really grieve.

One night at the beach with my little dog and a glass of wine I realized, grieving and coping are not the same. 

So far (with a few exceptions) I was doing a very good job of coping. When people would come up and say something like"Oh my gosh you don't even look pregnant!" Instead of crying or lashing out I'd simply smile and say "it wasn't meant to be". When I looked into the horrified face of the person who innocently made the statement, I would find myself comforting them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I said these words: "It's OK, we'll try again." I was comforting other people with a smile on my face and lie in my words. Only one person said to me, "No. It's not OK. It's a horrible thing that's happened to you." He saw right through my lies. These comforting words gave me permission to grieve and wipe the fake smile off my face. Others in my life allowed me to grieve, but it's hard to place such a burden on the people you love.

Socially, grief is a tricky subject. People know you are sad and for the most part they feel sympathy. But in reality, you can't just fall apart at work, baby showers, or watching a mom strap their baby into the grocery cart. You have to cope. Coping is what gets you from one day to the next, and keeps you out of the HR office.

During the coping phase, distraction was my friend. I read many books, crafted, worked over time. I did anything and everything but grieve.

So back to the night at the beach when I realized I had so much grieving left to do...

So there I was away from home. Alone. No distractions. No one to smile for or to comfort with my coping. I became quite and introspective. I allowed myself to feel. Jealousy, anger, sadness, hopelessness, loss.  I thought about the quote above and it suddenly felt right. Grief comes in waves. It crashes on you and threatens to pull you under. When it subsides into a calm you appreciate the stillness. Grieving, to me, is appreciating the stillness and finding beauty in the waves.

So you may see me coping. You may see me coping really well. For now, the grief remains.